Brace yourself for honesty…
The ‘quarter life crisis’ is real. The past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster, and if you’re feeling like you’re not successful or you don’t know what the hell you are doing with your life- trust me on this- you are not alone.
I’ve been feeling that change is afoot for a while now. Its eight months since I’ve moved home from university and the cracks are starting to show. I have said for years that I wanted to move to Bristol, and it became my plan to do so after I finished university. Some of my university friends and I made a plan that we would get a place in the city and carry on our bromance, partying and carefree attitude into the sunset forever more.
That is not what happened.
What it boiled down to, and what everything always boils down to, is lack of money. We all needed to coordinate getting a job in bristol, saving and also trying to enjoy the last few months of university life without feeling trapped into finding the money for a deposit. It was unachievable, and one by one we realised that we couldn’t afford to do it. Three of us moved back home, one of us stayed.
When I first realised that I had to move home I sulked like the woman-child I am and resisted the idea completely. Moving back home meant losing my independence, not living with my friends, living three hours away from my boyfriend and moving to an area that is quite frankly starved of all possibility for artistic growth. It took a few weeks to properly relax into home life again, and I’ll admit it was even nice for a month or so having the stress taken off of my shoulders while I recuperated from three years of drinking, house-politics and academic pressure.
I got a job, not a particularly great job, but a job nonetheless. I figured that I wouldn’t be there for very long as something would happen with my writing or I would save up some money to move out or something was bound to happen. It didn’t. I have been home for eight months, at the job for 6 months, I haven’t saved hardly any money and now I am beyond frustrated.
Artistically and creatively I am frustrated, I’m frustrated because my life is dictated by a job that hasn’t got anything to do with my two degrees that took forever to get, I’m frustrated because there always seems to be something to pay for that prevents me from saving money. I’m frustrated because I don’t see my friends that I lived with for three years, and I don’t have any close friends here anymore- not ones I can talk to into the early hours of the night with a beer and a cigarette- but maybe that’s because we all have to get up for work the next morning. We haven’t got time for meaningful conversations. I’m frustrated that I only see my boyfriend every 3 weeks or so. I’m frustrated I don’t have enough time for writing.
The weeks fly by, the months fly by, and panic starts to set in. I overheard someone at work say they had been there for sixteen years. I immediately thought “Oh God, that is going to be me. I have to get out. I have to get out now.” Of course this is irrational, but I think the prospect of wasting your youth away in a job that isn’t relevant to your interests sets every twenty-something on edge.
I know some people might say “Welcome to the real world, hun”. I know, I know. At least I have a job, at least I have a home. And for that I am grateful. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting more out of life.
I think the crux of the quarter life crisis is that at this age there seems to be many paths laid out in front of you, and whatever one you choose, it feels like you will be cutting yourself off from the possibility of joining the other paths if you change your mind. You are making decisions for yourself, and not just small every day decisions, BIG decisions that will probably affect the rest of your life. It’s a scary time. It feels like you’re pretending to be an adult. People may not take you seriously, but you have to start taking yourself seriously even though you’re always second guessing yourself.
This legit is like having a second puberty…
You have just got to remember your inner queen, put on a brave face and try and boss every day. If you fuck up just get back up and boss tomorrow.