Yesterday I realised that I have just been adding and adding to my list of things to do/write/research/read and I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. As soon as I get excited about writing a new idea, I get distracted with something else I need to research, or the enthusiasm eventually wains until I’m back at square one. This has been the cycle of things for a few months now.
I can’t work out whether I’m intimidated by starting something new, something outside of academia, something that I’m not going to have a helping hand with. Its all my judgement. Now I have to use all of the skills I’ve learned over the past four years or so and culminate them into a coherent story, with fully formed characters that have interesting story archs. Not something cliche, not something boring, not something conventional. Edgy, witty, clever, well structured and something that represents me as a writer….*hyperventilates*…
All in all I think I’m putting too much pressure on myself.
After spending most of the weekend trying to force something creative from my brain I decided to have a little look at the project I did at the end of my third year of university, a short stylised play, as it needed editing. As I read through I remembered how it felt to be part of something that I wrote, directed and acted in. The creative process was so much fun and almost easy, although at times very stressful. The writing was good. The structure was bad. But it was the first piece for writing I put out there to be graded, and it was on this project that I realised I wanted to be a playwright.
I enjoyed editing it. But it also showed me how much my writing has come along since a year and a half ago. Here I was looking at the best thing I had ever written (one of the only plays I had ever written) and thinking ‘this is good, but I can make it better’…
That in itself is a big achievement. To 1) recognise that something I’ve written is good and stop being so hard on myself and 2) realising that I have come a long way since then.
If you’re judging what you write before its even out on the page, you’ll never know what it could blossom into. I’m going to *trytrytry* to relax a little bit and start having fun with it again. Wish me luck!